Running for depression vs too depressed to run

*Spoiler - this has a positive ending!

I've read so many articles in the past about how running is great for depression - from Runner's World, from the NHS, and even mainstream media like The Guardian: in fact I've seen my own Dad go through some serious issues with work-related stress/depression, and one of the few things that got him out of the door was his local running club. Therefore, I had a HUGE amount of expectation when I plummeted into my own grey cloud about 2 years ago.

I really feel like I empathise with this one

Turns out - it doesn't work for me at all! After a really bad experience with the Edinburgh Half Marathon which was entirely my own fault for overestimating my fitness (and which I mentioned in my previous post) I think running had even become a source of further frustration with myself: why wasn't I as fit as I had been (because I hadn't been running), why was I putting on so much weight (because I wasn't exercising), why was every run I attempted such a failure (I think you know the answer ...). I guess because Grandad had been helped so much by running, I expected that I should have the same glow/same love as he does ... I could add that he's been cycling a lot more recently because of our wonderful family tradition of dodgy knees.

Therefore, I have a confession ... I don't LOVE running. I enjoy how I feel when I achieve something whether in training or in a race. I enjoy that my clothes fit better.  I quite enjoy the companionship of going for a run with a friend. I sometimes enjoy seeing the world at a slightly different pace/exploring (although frankly, give me some pedals and I can go almost forever). 

The euphoria just isn't there. And I don't know why I keep trying to force myself to have that kind of reaction, when actually the lack of it just makes me more gloomy. It's simply time to accept the bits I like - and the feeling of achievement when I do succeed - and be satisfied with that.  And then when I'm REALLY feeling low, I jump in the swimming pool and the cares of the world are gone just like that ...

EEYORE MODE OVER

What actually got me thinking about the whole 'too depressed to run' thing was after last week's success, and getting out again on Monday for my planned 2 miles, I had a complete run fail on Wednesday. Having dithered all day about whether or not to do my run in the rain, or hold off in hope of better weather, I told myself I could not be a fairweather runner - got my kit on and set off. After about 3/4 mile I wanted to stop :-(. I tried a walk-break to see if that would help, but it didn't - and I ended up run/walking (with an emphasis on the walking) back to the house the short route.

Trying not to be TOO hard on myself, I had a think about what was different that day (other than the fact it had been raining all day) compared to other times I've planned runs.  I have allowed for running in bad weather before, but had amazing luck so far (especially impressive in Belgium) that I've managed to fit into breaks in the rain - or indeed had glorious but cold sunshine.  

1. I hadn't slept too brilliantly because of the US election, and I was a bit down about the result - I'm still not happy about it, but the initial shock is over. 
2. On my way into work that morning, I saw that my favourite Ruiselede cat (who I had watched many times mousing in the field opposite the piano shop I'm working in) had been hit by a car and killed, and was just lying by the side of the road - I'm sure that the rain was a factor as the cat was black. In the UK I would know what to do, but just felt a bit helpless (and even more sad) not knowing what to do - and having the language barrier complicates things.
3. For various reasons, some understandable (and some not!) the institute I work for hadn't yet paid me - so I was feeling frustrated, angry, and particularly pissed that I had to borrow money from my parents again - and worried about other commitments this weekend that required me having some euros in my account!
4. A dietary element: I've been trying to cut down on my reliance on bread as part of my general attempt to get healthier/lose weight - and I know it can make me sluggish. I've also been having lots of salad and scrummy things generally for lunch, but I was out of leaves and had taken some sandwiches instead - and in my rush that morning (running late because I was listening to the news) I had forgotten my banana that I had intended to have for dessert. This also made me sad.

Having identified all these things as factors, most of which were beyond my control but also finite in their influence, I decided on Thursday to have another go. I have to say that being paid finally really lifted my mood (and having enough money to treat myself to a new running hoody was also a major factor in getting me out the door). 

Was a bit later getting out than I had intended due to various other arrangements for the day, but at about half 5 I attached an extra light onto my bum bag, and headed out the door for the run walk session I'd planned for the previous day. And despite getting a wee bit lost, and need to motivate myself a little bit more for the last two run segments, I did it. And felt pretty chuffed with myself/strong after too. Not quite sure I have the right balance yet (I did 7 run/3 walk this time) - but definitely more comfortable than the previous 0.75 miles/1 minute - even managed 4 intervals rather than 3. Might try 7/2 next time and see how that feels.

Didn't want to push my knee too much by running yesterday (and it was a public holiday for Armistice Day here in Belgium - so I was actually enjoying having a PROPER lazy day) - so my plan was to do my last bit for the week after work. Yet again, ended up staying rather later (as in 2 hours!) that I had planned, and it was raining again when I left - but I got home (4/5 minute cycle!), put my trollies on (thanks Claire P for that one), stuck my hood up and got out the door.  

Managed 2.43 miles without stopping (26 minutes solid running - a pretty decent achievement for me at the moment). Got out despite the rain - was ALMOST tempted to go do the last 0.07 of a mile to get to the 2.5, but I'd already stopped my watch as I was trying not to look at it during my run and just keep going around my planned route. All in all, I can say that (despite Wednesday) I am pretty chuffed with my efforts this week.

Lots of ticks despite Wednesday's fail ...

The next couple of weeks are going to be interesting, as I'm travelling a lot/have a lot of other commitments to work around - but I'm hoping I can manage to squeeze in my 3 runs somehow. And then the plan is to do my first ParkRun in a VERY long time on the 26th. I want to try the new(er) one in Edinburgh, which is rather more in cycle-able distance than the longstanding run ... and I've never done it before! Will decide closer the time whether I am going to try and get all the way round without stopping, or whether I'm going to use it as a Run/Walk attempt. 

Onward and onward ...

Not counting my chickens

Since I did the Edinburgh Half Marathon and 10k in two days two years ago, I've had a severe case of the CBAs - not helped by a huge amount of upheaval in my professional and personal life. I also had a rather daft bike accident in June that despite not being particularly serious at the time, did more damage to my knees and my right foot that I had ever realised, and even some half-hearted efforts to get back into the swing have just proved pretty useless. I'd also managed to put back on all of the weight I lost in 2012/13 and then some - making me feel rather sorry for myself, but also making running that little bit more hard work.

Well enough of the whinging side of this post! Even though walking was difficult, never mind running, I've been on my bike ever since the accident - and trying to do a bit of extra cycling as well as bashing around the city commuting. Then in September I came (back) out to Belgium for work, where of course the cycling infrastructure is pretty good - and have been commuting 8km to and from the local railway station a couple of times each week: never mind the 30km ride to get my bike from Gent where it has been for the last 6 months, out to Ruiselede where I am staying at the moment. All this has made me feel stronger and fitter - and combined with having a much better diet out here because I'm not snacking so much, I've managed to lose 10lbs. Last Sunday, I decided to push myself a bit more on the bike, and managed a 50km loop around the local towns and villages - which didn't actually feel too bad. Not sure how long the lovely weather is going to last, but hoping to take more advantage of it if I can!

Buoyed up by all of these positive steps forward, I decided to dust off my poor running shoes (which I did optimistically bring with me!) and get my backside out for a run yesterday. Turns out all this cycling has done me some good at least, and I managed a 1.75 mile loop around the village. Cue all sorts of plans/thoughts about what I could do in the weeks ahead (I do like making plans - even if I'm not that great at sticking to them!). It's a public holiday today and tomorrow in Belgium for All Saints day - and so I'm taking advantage of having an extra day off for a bit of me time. Was lying in bed this morning thinking of the pros and cons of how to get a run in tomorrow before I head into Gent - and then thought 'sod it' - why get up extra early tomorrow when I can just bash it out today. I felt a lot more comfortable even with it only being a second run (although I did have a bit of a familiar tightness in the front of my right hip) ... and kept going for a wee bit longer even though I had told myself that if I needed a walk-break I could have one. 

Chickens at the bottom of next-door's garden - country living Belgian style

I don't want to count any chickens - but I do feel a lot more comfortable! I also appreciate that I am a lot better at motivation if I have something to work for ... so will plan some Parkruns (perhaps Dad and I can do New Year's Day again if one of the local runs will be doing one!) I just need to keep plodding along and see what I can manage over the next few weeks. If I ever stop hiccoughing that it ...

Wet footprints after saying hello to the chickens ... it's a gloriously sunny day

Jantastic done!

It is done! For the first time in three years I have completed Jantastic, and with a cracking score of 99.8% with my timed run coming from my Garmin (if I took the chip time I could get 99.9% but on a slightly short distance). 

Final Jantastic score

My trip to Coniston was pretty darned good! I got a good sleep on Friday night, woke up slowly to the sounds of a woodpecker (which it took me about 2 hours to spy a peep of!).  Breakfast was the tried and tested veggie sausage from work - with the addition of a second slice of bread with jam! Then the ancient parents and I mooched the 2km from the caravan site to the race start along a footpath that ran away from the main lake road.

The start and finish of the race were based around the John Ruskin school - who had also donated their school field as the carpark.  A quick loo break was all that was available as there was a big queue for the portaloos (when isn't there!) and then we pottered around to the start line - I let Grandad head off ahead of me as I was planning on starting from the back!

What is quite interesting about this race is that the local traffic is only held back for the beginning of the race - the roads themselves aren't closed.  There was lots of advice in the race pack about not wearing headphones (I stuck to one so I could still hear all around me), and particularly about not running in big groups.  I was actually surprised how many runners didn't pay any attention to this advice - even when there were cars coming up behind them.  One woman even tried to overtake me AS I was being overtaken by a tesco delivery van - this wasn't the fault of the organisers at all  - just runners not paying attention to the advice. One might think a PB wasn't worth getting squished by tesco (now, if it had been Waitrose it might have been another matter).

The worst hill on the route is at the beginning - in that it's quite a long steep climb up to about 3 miles, but then followed by quite a nice downhill section that gives your legs a chance to freewheel for a while.  In fact that was the case with most of the uphill bits (although by the time we were coming up the East side of the lake the uphills were getting a tad tedious).  There were lots of water stations, which was good because it was quite a hot day, but I managed on the wee half bottle of powerade I'd taken (as well as one SIS gel).

By the half way mark, we were heading up the East side of the lake on a much smaller road - there were some cars overtaking (although I never felt unsafe in any way in this section) - and the occasional cyclists were lovely and supportive.   It was a bit chillier in the shade, but all the ups and downs in the routes warmed one up! After about 8 miles, I was getting pretty tired with all the climbing, and even Grandad said he took a few walk breaks after this point. Was almost glad of a wee traffic jam at about 10 miles when a mini bus and a granny in an audi couldn't decide who had right of way and blocked the whole road - it felt like minutes that I stopped, but apparently was only about 12 seconds!

Then came the relief - at about 11.5 miles there is a big downhill towards the lake shore as the road goes into Coniston - overtook two chaps as I free-wheeled down the hill: we had a bit of a laugh as I said they'd overtake me again if there was another hill (I think they'd passed me once or twice already), and they shouted there wasn't another hill so I'd beaten them, to which I replied that I might still trip over a sheep. Needless to say, they did overtake me again, but I kept them reasonably in sight over the last mile or so.

As we got into the village the support from the locals was great (especially considering I wasn't exactly with the front runners!) I managed to pick my pace up again as we climbed the last little hill up to the school turn, and then realised the last bit was all on a reasonably decent downhill.  I also spotted the two guys again about 200 metres ahead of me, and took the advantage of the descent and my last ounce of energy to get my sprint on ... and with a superhuman effort I managed to pass them again (with an apology) just before the line. 

The funnel was then well attended by local small humans - handing out watered down isotonic drinks and a coaster made out of the local blue-green slate.  As I walked back around to look for the ancient parents, the two chaps I had pipped came over to shake my hand, and I thanked them for the impetus to get those last few seconds off my time!

My raceday plan was to 11 minute mile the whole course - I was doing pretty well at the beginning with some 10.30s and the odd 10 which actually gave me the leeway for walking a wee bit in the last few miles. I'm pretty pleased with how it all panned out, given that my average pace was very similar to Wilmslow last year, and yet the course had more than twice the climb.  I would definitely recommend the race on a nice day for the awesome views of Coniston Water itself and the surrounding countryside.  The volunteers were great, the marshalls and the people on the water stations were wonderful, and everything was well organised. Having experience a brief squall of wind on the Eastern side, I can't say I would relish doing it in the rain (although perhaps I'm just too much of a fair weather runner).

Dr Elly's Bear modelling my finishers coaster 

Results as follows: 
Gender Position 342 of 500
Category                 FOPEN
Category Position 78 of 121
Chip Time                 02:33:38
Chip Position         953

(Needless to say, Grandad was a lot faster, coming in at 1:55:45)

Jantastic has definitely worked for me this year: I think I'm going to be 6th in Edinburgh (although technically I think it's joint 3rd just on the score) - and I finally approached a race with a decent body of training behind me! I now have an 8-week plan to follow for the Edinburgh Half - starting at the weekend  - and that's where I'm going to aim to get my time down by doing longer steady runs, and more speedwork in the build up. Hoping on a flat/downhill course I can 10 minute mile it all the way!

Saying Farewell ...

Not to the blog-o-sphere! No my sad farewell is to my Brooks Ghost trainers (fondly known on GRG as my Halloween Shoes).

It struck me earlier (as I was attaching experimental locklaces), that this Saturday's race is going to be the last hurrah for my Brooks Ghost shoes.  Those who know me better might remember that I managed to go from the age of 17-27 without even owning a pair of trainers, and therefore might be surprised at the sadness I feel when considering retiring these shoes.

Runners might understand better, although most of you probably change your shoes on such a regular basis that you might be thinking why get so soppy over one pair ... move on!

There is something special about these shoes though: their purchase was made after a rather happy hour or so spent in Sweatshop chatting away to the assistant who had the same dodgy tendon problems as me (although less severe) and who managed to sell me quite a lot of extra bits and pieces for not a lot of money.  I have had gait testing before - but this was the first time I had actually gone the whole hog and purchased on the back of it (as opposed to getting a freebie from Grandad's running guru).

Secondly, these trainers got me round London.  They also got me round quite a few miles in preparation for London (although not as many as I should have done).  They were with me at the worst of times, and they were with me as I ran over that finish line with a medal-wielding volunteer in sight.  They also got me around the Wilmslow Half Marathon (also done on too little training), which is still my longest run without stopping.

They have run through puddles, through mud, on one occasion waded through knee deep water (South Manchester Parkrun) but have also run through dust and sand and all sorts of other terrain.  And this weekend they will run their last race around Coniston.  I know I won't be literally chucking them out - they'll still be good for the odd short run, or maybe a quick blast around parkrun.  But there won't be any more long runs, and there won't be any more major races for my Halloween Shoes.

As a much-out-of-date model, I can't even find Ghost4s on ebay to replace them - they are outmoded. And even if I could, they wouldn't be my Halloween shoes that got me round when I didn't want to go any further.  Thankyou shoes.  You were awesome.

The Dress Rehearsal

As well as being last week's postponed 10 miler, my run today became my race rehearsal. I breakfasted as I plane to: normally I would run on bacon + egg on toast, but as lent precludes that I decided to go with the veggie sausages from the shop. I also had powerade to sip as I never have been able to stand lucozade, or many of the other brands  - I think it's an issue with the sweeteners they use. I also took an aptonia apple gel thing from Decathlon (and another brand I picked up in London last year - but didn't end up taking today). 

My plan for the gels etc was to take one after an hour (which seemed to go fine), and to take mouth swill sized sips of the powerade not more than twice a mile (and preferably less).  All seemed to go ok - last mile of the run was a bit stilted, but was running into a pretty strong headwind and it was making me a bit zonked - was also slightly thrown by being stopped and asked for directions, therefore knocking my momentum (but hopefully making sure someone got their piper for their wedding/funeral/other event!).

I have two more runs before the Coniston 14 - still debating whether to keep my tempo session in or not, as Marathon Talk this week was talking about not over-tapering.  If I do, that will be my Monday session, and I plan to do a nice easy run either Tuesday or Wednesday just to keep the muscles moving.  Then off to the lakes on Friday night for an evening in the caravan with the ancient parents, and then Grandad* will be running the race as well on Saturday.

I also (unintentionally) managed to practise the pre-run nerves this morning - I've spent the last few weeks feeling utterly nackered (hence the drop in last week's training) and despite getting a good 10 hours of sleep last night, there's only so much one can catch up on.  However, I psyched myself up, got myself out of the door, and set off.  Next week is much more about getting round on the back of the Jantastic training - not about speed or anything.  The EMF 1/2 in May is the one I am aiming to get a PB in ... and so I just need to remember how well I managed Wilmslow last year after much more broken training (darned PhD) and I dragged my sorry and very slow arse around London too.  

Now I just have to pray that it doesn't rain ...

*For those new to the blog, Grandad is actually my Dad ... it's a long story! 

Two Weeks to Go

This week had been another tough week for running, one in which I got my three runs in, but by no means the distance I had intended.  I seem to be suffering both from general tiredness overhanging from last week's craziness, but also anticipation anxiety for a meeting I have on Monday (and all the preparation for it). 

Tuesday's interval session went really well, and I managed to get my third interval up to pace - will stick at three for next week rather than adding a fourth, so I can push a bit harder instead.  My final Monday run before Coniston will be an easy jog rather than a speed sesh though, just to keep the legs moving but without wearing myself out.

I woke up on Thursday aching all over (including my jaw!) - which was either a sign of sleeping badly (and tensing) or that I was about to start with a fluey cold - therefore I decided I was going to spend the afternoon napping to make up for lost sleep on previous weeks rather than doing a long run.  Having agreed to work on Saturday, I knew this meant effectively cancelling my long run of the week (and having to use my final Jantastic joker), but I definitely needed the rest.

Following a good night's sleep, and a relatively easy day at work yesterday, I decided to head out with Runkeeper going (rather than watching my Garmin) and just run.  Turned out I ran, and ran, and ran! Was still feeling strong when I got near the 5 mile mark, but was having some issues with rubbing, and decided to hop on a bus while I could rather than endure the stinging.  I'd still managed about 4 more miles than I had intended! And at a much faster pace too -  would have easily managed a sub-1 hour 10k ...

Early start this morning (after an early night, and 9 hours sleep!) to get my final 1 mile in to tick off that last run of 3 for the week.  Been almost a rest week, and I deffo think I need to build them into my training plans in future rather than doggedly pushing further each week - another training lessons learned.  Just two more weeks until Coniston - and my race pack has now arrived too, so it's all feeling rather real! However, after managing a good pace for my 'anti-CBAs' run - I'm feeling a bit happier about my predicted time of 2.20 - who knows, it might just be doable!

Longest LSR - taper time!!!!

Ok so this is a tapir, not a taper ... but hey ho!

This week has officially been bonkers: from fitting in my Monday tempo session, crossing the country (by coach) for a rehearsal on Tuesday night in Glasgow, Ash Wednesday's long service in the evening, a crammed Thursday (of which more anon), and finishing with a normal Friday in the roll shop. Yet I still managed somehow to fit in all my running, and do my longest run before Coniston in 21 days time - so I am officially tapering (woo hoo!).

Thursday was officially crackers! One of the choirs I sing with were involved with the birthday celebrations of Edinburgh's Usher Hall - hence the Glasgow rehearsal on Tuesday.  It was a spectacular event, and fabulous to be a part of, but meant that my usual Thursday activities (including my run) had to be fitted around a 4.30 rehearsal call.  I spent most of the day shaving 10 mins where I could, including by subjecting my students to their lecture without the usual 10 min break in the middle so I could get away early. This combined with bus hopping got me to my dog-walking duties half an hour early ... which I couldn't skimp on.  

As I was a touch ahead of schedule by this point, I went home via the shop, to pick up the mahoooooosive bag of rabbit food I'd ordered.  Then ran back to the teaching job to drop the dogs' flat key back off  - and get my run in.  Topped off with a shower and a quick change, and I was off to the rehearsal. I had an hour or so to kill before the concert which I spent flopped out on a sofa in a cafe with a fellow singer - before heading back for the spectacle of the concert itself.  Being a musician, of course I went out to the pub afterwards for une beverage - culminating in a quick trot back home for 1am! A very long day, followed by a rather madcap one in the shop, where we wind each other up like billy-o (I have never had a job where I laughed so much in my life :-D)

Saturday morning dawned bright and early - or at least I assume it did, because there was no way in HELL I was going to be awake to see it! Alarms off, I woke from slightly odd dreams at 8.30, only to roll over and get another hour's much-needed kip ... not-so-lenten breakfast of two scrambled eggs on two crumpets, preceded a nice morning of catching up on iplayer, and watching the trees outside my window trying to bend themselves in two - oh and occasionally chasing Esme bunny out from under my bed where she was trying to chew wires.  Quick lunch at 12.30 (as I was planning to run at 2.30) of a beetroot and cheese roll followed by a banana - and started to plan my route by combining an old favourite (Innocent Railway Path) with a new (Water of Leith Pathway). 

Togged up, I headed out of the door as planned, well wrapped up against the wind.  For the first few miles I felt like I could have been flying! Slowly flying, admittedly, but I was totally in the zone and even considered adding an extra wee loop to get up to 14 miles.  The wind was fair battering admittedly, but there was about 1/2 a mile it was behind me, and I felt a bit like a lycra-clad kite.

Stopped for a loo break at about 5 miles in - just cos it was there - but I think that stop might have slightly been my downfall.  I was still doing pretty well for the next couple of miles, but then I started to struggle a bit more and had a couple of (very short) walk breaks.  By the time I hit the 8 mile mark, I was utterly starving - so paused again to eat the wee soreen banana loaf I had taken along, and snap a quick pic of Leith looking spectacular. But I definitely struggled from then on - my right ankle started being a bit niggly, and I was slighly losing the will to carry on - not sure how much it was helped by listening to Tony's Trials on Marathon Talk! 

After another loo break - more of an opportunity to give myself a bit of a talking to - I decided that as I only then had 3 more miles, it would take as long to run-walk as to get the bus.  Headed off again, and picked up the running over the walking, despite dodging small humans and prams on some rather narrow pavements.  By 11 miles, the hunger was rather starting to get at me, and I was flagging again - but I persevered and eventually rocked up home with 13 miles under the belt, another Jantastic run in (and another 100% week). Switched to my favourite Schubert song-cycle for the last mile (as the MT podcast had ended) and that definitely helped my home - I think it will have to be (one-eared) music listening for the race - as it just motivates me better.

I suspect I should either have had more to eat for either breakfast or lunch, or scoffed some more carbs on Friday night - possibly both! Brought my tea a bit earlier, so I could appease the poor rumbling tummy, but I suspect tonight might involve some serious nibbling.  Ankle is still a bit moany, but I'm sure it's nothing a nice hot bath won't fix - and it's not like I am due to run again until Monday anyway.  Next week is a much calmer prospect - so fingers crossed my next long run will be a bit more successful in the 'not-walking' stakes.

Roll on tapering ...