Running for depression vs too depressed to run

*Spoiler - this has a positive ending!

I've read so many articles in the past about how running is great for depression - from Runner's World, from the NHS, and even mainstream media like The Guardian: in fact I've seen my own Dad go through some serious issues with work-related stress/depression, and one of the few things that got him out of the door was his local running club. Therefore, I had a HUGE amount of expectation when I plummeted into my own grey cloud about 2 years ago.

I really feel like I empathise with this one

Turns out - it doesn't work for me at all! After a really bad experience with the Edinburgh Half Marathon which was entirely my own fault for overestimating my fitness (and which I mentioned in my previous post) I think running had even become a source of further frustration with myself: why wasn't I as fit as I had been (because I hadn't been running), why was I putting on so much weight (because I wasn't exercising), why was every run I attempted such a failure (I think you know the answer ...). I guess because Grandad had been helped so much by running, I expected that I should have the same glow/same love as he does ... I could add that he's been cycling a lot more recently because of our wonderful family tradition of dodgy knees.

Therefore, I have a confession ... I don't LOVE running. I enjoy how I feel when I achieve something whether in training or in a race. I enjoy that my clothes fit better.  I quite enjoy the companionship of going for a run with a friend. I sometimes enjoy seeing the world at a slightly different pace/exploring (although frankly, give me some pedals and I can go almost forever). 

The euphoria just isn't there. And I don't know why I keep trying to force myself to have that kind of reaction, when actually the lack of it just makes me more gloomy. It's simply time to accept the bits I like - and the feeling of achievement when I do succeed - and be satisfied with that.  And then when I'm REALLY feeling low, I jump in the swimming pool and the cares of the world are gone just like that ...

EEYORE MODE OVER

What actually got me thinking about the whole 'too depressed to run' thing was after last week's success, and getting out again on Monday for my planned 2 miles, I had a complete run fail on Wednesday. Having dithered all day about whether or not to do my run in the rain, or hold off in hope of better weather, I told myself I could not be a fairweather runner - got my kit on and set off. After about 3/4 mile I wanted to stop :-(. I tried a walk-break to see if that would help, but it didn't - and I ended up run/walking (with an emphasis on the walking) back to the house the short route.

Trying not to be TOO hard on myself, I had a think about what was different that day (other than the fact it had been raining all day) compared to other times I've planned runs.  I have allowed for running in bad weather before, but had amazing luck so far (especially impressive in Belgium) that I've managed to fit into breaks in the rain - or indeed had glorious but cold sunshine.  

1. I hadn't slept too brilliantly because of the US election, and I was a bit down about the result - I'm still not happy about it, but the initial shock is over. 
2. On my way into work that morning, I saw that my favourite Ruiselede cat (who I had watched many times mousing in the field opposite the piano shop I'm working in) had been hit by a car and killed, and was just lying by the side of the road - I'm sure that the rain was a factor as the cat was black. In the UK I would know what to do, but just felt a bit helpless (and even more sad) not knowing what to do - and having the language barrier complicates things.
3. For various reasons, some understandable (and some not!) the institute I work for hadn't yet paid me - so I was feeling frustrated, angry, and particularly pissed that I had to borrow money from my parents again - and worried about other commitments this weekend that required me having some euros in my account!
4. A dietary element: I've been trying to cut down on my reliance on bread as part of my general attempt to get healthier/lose weight - and I know it can make me sluggish. I've also been having lots of salad and scrummy things generally for lunch, but I was out of leaves and had taken some sandwiches instead - and in my rush that morning (running late because I was listening to the news) I had forgotten my banana that I had intended to have for dessert. This also made me sad.

Having identified all these things as factors, most of which were beyond my control but also finite in their influence, I decided on Thursday to have another go. I have to say that being paid finally really lifted my mood (and having enough money to treat myself to a new running hoody was also a major factor in getting me out the door). 

Was a bit later getting out than I had intended due to various other arrangements for the day, but at about half 5 I attached an extra light onto my bum bag, and headed out the door for the run walk session I'd planned for the previous day. And despite getting a wee bit lost, and need to motivate myself a little bit more for the last two run segments, I did it. And felt pretty chuffed with myself/strong after too. Not quite sure I have the right balance yet (I did 7 run/3 walk this time) - but definitely more comfortable than the previous 0.75 miles/1 minute - even managed 4 intervals rather than 3. Might try 7/2 next time and see how that feels.

Didn't want to push my knee too much by running yesterday (and it was a public holiday for Armistice Day here in Belgium - so I was actually enjoying having a PROPER lazy day) - so my plan was to do my last bit for the week after work. Yet again, ended up staying rather later (as in 2 hours!) that I had planned, and it was raining again when I left - but I got home (4/5 minute cycle!), put my trollies on (thanks Claire P for that one), stuck my hood up and got out the door.  

Managed 2.43 miles without stopping (26 minutes solid running - a pretty decent achievement for me at the moment). Got out despite the rain - was ALMOST tempted to go do the last 0.07 of a mile to get to the 2.5, but I'd already stopped my watch as I was trying not to look at it during my run and just keep going around my planned route. All in all, I can say that (despite Wednesday) I am pretty chuffed with my efforts this week.

Lots of ticks despite Wednesday's fail ...

The next couple of weeks are going to be interesting, as I'm travelling a lot/have a lot of other commitments to work around - but I'm hoping I can manage to squeeze in my 3 runs somehow. And then the plan is to do my first ParkRun in a VERY long time on the 26th. I want to try the new(er) one in Edinburgh, which is rather more in cycle-able distance than the longstanding run ... and I've never done it before! Will decide closer the time whether I am going to try and get all the way round without stopping, or whether I'm going to use it as a Run/Walk attempt. 

Onward and onward ...

Not counting my chickens

Since I did the Edinburgh Half Marathon and 10k in two days two years ago, I've had a severe case of the CBAs - not helped by a huge amount of upheaval in my professional and personal life. I also had a rather daft bike accident in June that despite not being particularly serious at the time, did more damage to my knees and my right foot that I had ever realised, and even some half-hearted efforts to get back into the swing have just proved pretty useless. I'd also managed to put back on all of the weight I lost in 2012/13 and then some - making me feel rather sorry for myself, but also making running that little bit more hard work.

Well enough of the whinging side of this post! Even though walking was difficult, never mind running, I've been on my bike ever since the accident - and trying to do a bit of extra cycling as well as bashing around the city commuting. Then in September I came (back) out to Belgium for work, where of course the cycling infrastructure is pretty good - and have been commuting 8km to and from the local railway station a couple of times each week: never mind the 30km ride to get my bike from Gent where it has been for the last 6 months, out to Ruiselede where I am staying at the moment. All this has made me feel stronger and fitter - and combined with having a much better diet out here because I'm not snacking so much, I've managed to lose 10lbs. Last Sunday, I decided to push myself a bit more on the bike, and managed a 50km loop around the local towns and villages - which didn't actually feel too bad. Not sure how long the lovely weather is going to last, but hoping to take more advantage of it if I can!

Buoyed up by all of these positive steps forward, I decided to dust off my poor running shoes (which I did optimistically bring with me!) and get my backside out for a run yesterday. Turns out all this cycling has done me some good at least, and I managed a 1.75 mile loop around the village. Cue all sorts of plans/thoughts about what I could do in the weeks ahead (I do like making plans - even if I'm not that great at sticking to them!). It's a public holiday today and tomorrow in Belgium for All Saints day - and so I'm taking advantage of having an extra day off for a bit of me time. Was lying in bed this morning thinking of the pros and cons of how to get a run in tomorrow before I head into Gent - and then thought 'sod it' - why get up extra early tomorrow when I can just bash it out today. I felt a lot more comfortable even with it only being a second run (although I did have a bit of a familiar tightness in the front of my right hip) ... and kept going for a wee bit longer even though I had told myself that if I needed a walk-break I could have one. 

Chickens at the bottom of next-door's garden - country living Belgian style

I don't want to count any chickens - but I do feel a lot more comfortable! I also appreciate that I am a lot better at motivation if I have something to work for ... so will plan some Parkruns (perhaps Dad and I can do New Year's Day again if one of the local runs will be doing one!) I just need to keep plodding along and see what I can manage over the next few weeks. If I ever stop hiccoughing that it ...

Wet footprints after saying hello to the chickens ... it's a gloriously sunny day